you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
