i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
