I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
