dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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