I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
