She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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