i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
