Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
