I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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