You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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