He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
