I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
