There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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