People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
