mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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