I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
