Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
