Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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