You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
