1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
