I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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