i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
