who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
