first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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