Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
