Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's shark week go big or go home
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
