Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I could make wine with my vomit
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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