can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
