FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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