just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
