Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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