my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
