My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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