theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
