I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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