yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
