hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
