i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
