i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
