i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Randomize
