I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He shit in the fireplace
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
