And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
