I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
