i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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