did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
