we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
