dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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