Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
