ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my gift to your gina
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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