nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
