now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
