gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends