Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina