then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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