Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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